Neapolitan pizza

by Anna Perotti - English text edited by Nelly Wheeler

Neapolitan pizza

Oh, Jesus, what a man can do out of love! ... my mom always told me so: "Remember, Gennarì - choose cattle and wife from your own village!" ... holy words! Not that I would complain about my wife, who's a good woman and I really love her. If I could go back in time, with my mother's blessing, I think I'd do it all again as I did, but, sometimes, I really have enough of this planet!

It all began 13 years ago. I was on board of the Enterprise then, as a ship-cook. Who was better than I was? For most of the time all my job consisted of loading food-dispensers, cleaning up the dross and checking on basic elements supplies - really a piece of cake! ... then there were special occasions, when VIPs were on board and the Captain ordered a true banquet, with natural food. Then, indeed, Gennaro Passalacqua could really prove what he was able to do! Since, in all modesty, I'm a great artist at cooking!
Once, we had on board, for many days, a lot of Federation big pots - ambassadors, counselors, and representatives, all along with their wives, husbands and aids. It wasn't a peaceful trip, since they came to blows as if they had been tomcats on heat and one got even killed! ...

Well, we weren't on a pleasure cruise, after all and, as they say, unforeseen events make life spicy ...

Obviously lunches and dinners followed one another unceasingly! Gee, I never worked that hard! But, in the end, I was pleased, because when we got to our destination, Ambassador Sarek's wife - who I learned later was also our First Officer's mother - came in person to my kitchen to congratulate and thank me for some special dishes, based on selected vegetables, which I'd arranged just for her husband, who (poor guy!) had been through an open-heart surgery. Quite a great lady that Mrs. Amanda! ... She even asked me for recipes! ... Well, I usually don't give my recipes away (professional secret!), but how can one say *no* to such a lady?

A couple of months after, we happened to be around Vulcan: Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock had to speak for UFP at some kind of conference. Thus we established orbit and all free from service hands were put on leave. How lovely!
Well, since I had nothing better to do, I readied myself to get down. At that moment, Mr. Spock called me to his quarters; I went, trembling like a leaf, because Spock makes you feel uneasy. When I got there, I found out that he was even more uncomfortable than I was. Perhaps because Captain Kirk was waiting for him in the transporter room or perhaps because having to ask a favor from a subordinate embarrassed him, but he was stiff as a pole and you could easily tell he wanted to be miles from there. To cut it short, he asked me if I wished to visit his mother, who was looking for some clearing up those recipes. It seemed that she couldn't manage to have the soufflé with asparagus and Andorian tzarig holding.

"Of course, Mr. Spock, I'll be honored."

Thus I went to his house - a very beautiful house, really a luxury one! And Mrs. Amanda ... what a lovely hostess! She welcomed me as if I were a prince, instead of a simple cook; she even offered me tea - well, to tell the truth, I'd preferred a small drink, but Vulcans don't drink nor Vulcans' earthen wives do.

After that, of course, we went into the kitchen and there it was that my life abruptly changed.

Busy bustling around the device to dry and grind khrowill (a kind of succulent plant, with which they make a sort of flour), there she was - T'Ling!

What a beauty! ... even her name sounds like a sweet bell! ... coal-black eyes of the kind which, when they stare at you, they get to your soul and two ... (ahem!) ... which seemed ripe musk melons ... a goddess! ... and there was that impish curl - it came down on her forehead. She, hands soiled with khrowill pulp, couldn't put it in place so, now and then, she tried to blow it off her eyes ... Sometimes, I still dream of that curl!

In case you didn't guess, I fell for her on the instant, as it hadn't happen to me since I was sixteen! Henceforth I forgot everything - the soufflé, the lady, the Enterprise ... all vanished, cleared, ... poof, gone! I saw only her ... and she had noticed I was watching her (and how I did!), since her cheeks had become so green that they made you think of a green apple ... I'd liked to bite that apple, but, of course, it wasn't possible - she'd found it illogical! Besides, even Human women, who care nothing about logic, want to be courted, before starting with deeds! ... Yeah! But that was the question - how do you court a Vulcan woman?
Let alone presenting her with flowers or chocolate. They don't use chocolate, here - too much heat: it would melt quite soon. And flowers? Where can they be found? Since I was here, the only plant I saw flowering was some kind of cactus ... would you present a girl with a cactus? ... Besides, I don't think it might have been of any use!

Anyway, since that first evening, I stayed in front of Sarek's house, waiting to see her - in the evening, when she left and in the morning, when she went to work. When she looked at me, she blushed green; I blushed red. The two of us must have been quite a sight! ... On the third day I braced myself and spoke to her. I still don't know how I managed to do it, but I told her whatever I had in my heart.
While I was talking, I thought: "Alas! She'll believe I'm mad!" Instead, she listened to me in all composure, and then she said that, even though my words were too emotional, their meaning was very good. If she had been free, surely she would have seriously taken my proposal into consideration (she really said it!), unfortunately she already had a fiancé and logic, traditions, ... bla, bla, bla ... In the end I understood nothing. What really mattered was that she didn't say *no* - certainly the fiancé matter might be solved in some way. That night, I went back to the lodging house walking in the air!

The morning after, I found two security guards waiting for me. Damn it! I'd forgotten to go back on board! ... So I got a tenday close arrest, ma it didn't matter to me, in the least. The bad thing was that, as soon as they rescued me, the Enterprise left orbit and resumed her way. Every passing hour brought me parsecs away from my T'Ling. I felt hopeless.
Luckily my term of service was near its end.

When I told him why I didn't want to extend it any more, Captain Kirk made no comment, but he looked at me in an odd way. Of course, he who prizes so much Mr. Spock's friendship couldn't openly tell me that, for a Human, to think of marrying a Vulcan woman is sheer folly, but I could easily read it on his face! Everybody had alredy told me that, but I didn't care at all - I had made up my mind.

Once I was discharged, I flew back to Vulcan looking for T'Ling. She was surprised; she had thought that, after what she had told me, I'd given up. I said:

"Are you fooling me? I never would!"

Therefore, as if it were the most natural thing in the world, she explained to me what I had to do to free her from her bonding. I said again:

"Are you fooling me? I never would!"

Then she took offence and said I didn't care enough. I answered I did care very much, but that challenge thing really seemed nonsense to me and, in my opinion, things or animals, not people, can be given as a contest prize! That might have impressed her, since she asked me how do we Humans deal with such matters. I proudly answered:

"We talk, as civilized people, and try to come up with a solution!"

Obviously I didn't bother to explain that this is what we would like to happen, but it rarely does! Anyway, we went to see her bondmate and talked. Well, if he had been in pon farr, we would have been in trouble, since you can't argue with a Vulcan in such a condition! Instead, he was normal and reasoned very well. He said he too felt embarrassed, because he lately had met a young widow, who aroused him more (... well, he didn't put it exactly that way, but that was what he meant!). Since none of us was of a high house, which honor must be protected, we reached a peaceful agreement - he married his widow and I took T'Ling.

Obviously I had to earn our living. T'Ling, of course, had her job at Sarek's house and Mrs. Amanda (God bless her!), as soon as she learned we were going to get married, increased her salary and, saying that that's the Earthen custom, made us a lot of wedding presents, but ... I surely couldn't live on my wife! ... This isn't the Earthen custom neither the Vulcan one! The problem was that I'm able to do nothing but cooking and here there's little need of an Earthen cook, that is there's no need at all! Thus I thought that, if nobody gave me a job, I would give me one myself. Before consuming them all, I took my savings as well as T'Ling's plus something borrowed from my brother Pasquale (he demanded a 18% interest, that cheeky fellow!) and opened a small place: GENNARO'S, VEGETARIAN PIZZA ... Well? What's the matter? Why shouldn't Vulcans like pizza? ... It's a simple, natural food, wholly suitable to their diet; besides, everybody likes pizza! ...

What I didn't consider is that, in their opinion, if one has one's own home, there's no logic to go out to dinner ...

Eh, it was hard in the beginning! My only customers were passing by strangers - mostly Humans, but there were also some Tellarites and Andorians and even a couple of Klingons, Embassy employees, but no Vulcans! Well, I could get along, but it wasn't as good as I'd hoped! ... Then, one day, finally one came - I knew him by sight, he has his workplace near here. He sat down, went throughout the menu and ordered a Collodorn Pizza - I couldn't believe it! I was so pleased that I didn't want to let him pay, but he looked at me as if I'd asked him to kiss me. When I tried to explain that it was because he was my first indigenous customer, he looked at me even worse. I had to surrender in the end. Anyway, after a few days, he was back along with a colleague of his. Few at once, others came, mostly people working around here. They had realized that if one has to eat and there's an eating place at hand, it's logical to use it, especially if one has little time to spend over it. And when Vulcans find a logical reason to do something, they do it! ... Some of them have been coming here every day for years.

Slowly I got rid of all my debts and now I have a new computerized oven, which may be programmed to reproduce the very temperature and heat radiation of a real woodfed oven. It makes an even better pizza! ... Even if I made it with a food-dispenser, most of my customers wouldn't even notice, but it's a matter of professional honesty!

The most important thing is that I managed to have T'Ling leaving service in Sarek's house. Oh, they treated her very well and Mrs. Amanda really loved her, but yet a servant she was! Now she works with me; perhaps she still works hard, but she's the mistress here! She has become very good at it - when she rolls out the dough by turning it up in the air, it's a pleasure to see it. I still love her as I did on the first day.

Indeed, it wasn't always that easy for us. We had our share of trouble. At first she couldn't understand why I was so often in the mood to make love (mind you - men, here, think about theirs wives once in seven years!). I told her so:

"My love, I'll not live 250 years! ... you will still be young and good-looking, when I'm no longer good at it! ... Then, if you whish, I'll free you, but, in the meanwhile, allow me to do something!"

She thought a little about it, then she decided it was logical and, since then, she didn't raise objections any more. I had, anyway, to learn to restrain myself, because I noticed that, if I allowed myself to be driven by too much emotion, she, being telepathic, would be disturbed and that is a very bad thing for a Vulcan! ...

That problem seems to exist even between them - that's why they perform a kind of ritual, which consists of touching one another everywhere but where would be useful. It bothered me, at first, since it takes a lot of time and it often happened that I got distracted and, when she finally was ready, I no longer was in the mood. Now I've gotten used to it and I even like it!

"Oh, Sadùk, here you are? ... good boy! Go to the kitchen to help your mom. Cm'on, my dear son!"

Saduk is the eldest of my children - really a handsome boy - he looks all like his mother! And he's smart too - he's the best student in his school. Well, sometimes, his teachers complain about his restlessness ... restlessness to Vulcan standards, of course, because, compared with Human boys of his age, he's a saint, poor son! ... I told them so: "He's also my son. You can't expect him to be dead cool as if he were a full-blooded Vulcan; it's illogical!"

A Vulcan, once you tell him something he thinks isn't logical, is beaten down. And if, casually, you are right, you earn his respect forever. Of course, it isn't always that easy, because, if you allow them to get on your nerves, then you can't think clearly any longer and they'll tear you apart. I'm well aware of that, since I have to face my customers every day. Some of them are insufferably fussy! A few days ago, one came (the kind of guy who seems to think "All Eartherns are thieves") ... He took a 100 Vegetables Pizza - Gee! He began to count peas, to measure collodorn bites! ... I couldn't take anymore, so I called my wife and told her:

"Please, deal with that one yourself or I'll end up throwing the pizza to his head!"

She didn't throw the pizza to his head, but after talking for a while she looked at him so coolly that she might have frozen a piece of ember, then stiffly told him to leave. And he left! Gee! He really did! Well, this must be recognized to Vulcans - where I come from, a thing like that would make the hell break loose!
Anyway, apart from a few little misunderstandings, I can get along well enough with the people here - they mind their own business and I mind mines ... Of course, sometimes I miss my countrypeople's mirth (these here always seem to be in mourning!), but I just have to look at my wife and children to have all my low spirits gone!

I only regret I can never make a Neapolitan pizza. Indeed, because Vulcans, if they think they have a logical reason to do it, can break your neck just with a finger-pressure (a little trick they teach to children!), but never show them an anchovy in oil.

Try to understand them! ...