by Anna Perotti - English text revised by James D. Ausfahl
SUMMARY: A love vs logic story. A young woman is going to face koon-ut-kal-if-fee. She has to decide if she will accept her bondmate or allow her lover to challenge him.
Author's note: I wrote this story many years ago, when I knew very little about Star Trek and Vulcans. After that I've learned things, which led me to change some of my ideas about Vulcan culture. Anyway, I decided to leave the story as it was. (A. P.)
DISCLAIMER: Star Trek is the property of Paramount Studios, the following a non-profit work of fan fiction. No resemblance to any individual, living or dead, is intended.
The most logical choice
Left alone, the young woman sat by the firepot. She would spend the whole night meditating to better prepare herself for what she had to face tomorrow. The time, so long awaited and feared, had come. She had felt it: her mate's stormy call had reached her through the bond, tearing her defences apart, his burning pain that had become hers. That had to be ... That had always been ... It was logical.
"Where is the logic in accepting something which repels you, just because others have done it before?"
Those rebel words had come back in her mind suddenly, right when she thought she had managed to erase them forever. Shelik had told her that dozens of times. The last one had been only a few days earlier, when, with the help of T'Reil - a close companion of hers - she had managed to escape her parent's surveillance and had gone to say her farewells to him.
Shelik ...
Though unwilling, the young woman saw again in her mind his dark, handsome face, his deep black eyes, which were so hard to stare at, his soft curled black hairs, always a bit too long...
Shelik ...
He had been her dialectics teacher at high school, a very bright young man, with an exceptionally sharp mind. It had been an extreme pity that the modest status of his family had not allowed him access to a higher level of specialisation. A man with his talents should have applied for higher position. Quite soon she had become his most appreciated student: the brightest one, the most talented. Often, when classes were over, she joined him in his study to ask him questions and discuss ideas. Both of them had innocently enjoyed those meetings. It was the confrontation of two fertile minds, naturally close. Slowly, more personal subjects had joined the scholary ones. Confidence had been established.
Then, what happened? How could have it happened? Obviously if he still had had his bondmate ...
Two years ago, Shelik had lost his wife and his son in a tragic accident, a loss which he thought impossible to fill. At least, until the urge of need had hidden under reason's cover. But nature has its own laws, which do not follow reason. When his Vulcan blood had awakened, she was there.
For a free Vulcan woman, to help a man in Ponn Farr who had no legal bondmate was considered an act of mercy. Nobody would blame her. But she was not free: though her bonding with Sawor, the mate her family had chosen for her, was not completed yet, it still existed. How could she have forgotten it? She had not, indeed. She had just thought it did not matter, at the time! ... It was quite illogical, but it had happened. Something inside her - something, which escaped her reason's control - had compelled her toward Shelik, almost with the same urge as his.
It had been different than she had expected. She had been taught that physical mating was a hard experience, which every Vulcan woman had to face with courage and dignity. A painful duty, demanded by tradition and by the logical need to give one's family offspring. But Shelik was an extraordinary man. His wonderful mind had been able to maintain control over the fury of passion. Somehow, he had succeeded in checking himself and respecting her virginal innocence. He had given her time to get used to all the unknown emotions, helping her to understand and accept them.
She had heard that such men might exist, but they were so rare that they were almost legend. Girls covertly whispered about them. Once, she remembered, she had heard a schoolmate telling her about an old housemaid - one who had become so old that convention no longer mattered for her - who admitted that her husband had been such a pleasant mate, that seven years were a very hard long time.
She had always frowned at those tales. They were silly, childish fantasies, which reared illogical delusions, not worthy of an intelligent, mature Vulcan!
She had always been proud of her heritage. Her family was among the noblest ones on Vulcan. Her father occupied one of the highest offices on Vulcan and he had wished for her to be educated about alien cultures as well as theirs. Often, he had brought her along in his trips to star bases, where it was possible to meet alien people. Very interesting experiences, indeed, but ones which had only strengthened her certainty about her racial superiority.
Nevertheless, unlike many of her compatriots, she shared her father's opinion that Vulcan could ill afford to maintain her apartheid very long. There where clear factors of economic and political convenience which led in the opposite way. All over the Galaxy alliances were growing, trading agreements were being signed and there were talks about a federal union between the most important planets, which grew more substantial every day. To stay aloof from that would be disadvantageous; it was illogical. She strongly wished to contribute so that, when the Federation of Planets was born, Vulcan would take her rightful place in it and hold it with honour.
In view of that, she had to acknowledge that her parents could not have chosen a better companion for her. Sawor already was an esteemed Science Academy member and it was common opinion that he would gain a council seat, quite soon. From the few occasions she had had to see him, she had realized that he owned his position more to his family's prestige and wealth than to his own talents, which was a good point from her perspective. A more bold and capable man would likely reduce her to the secondary role that tradition demanded. She, however, had other goals. Once she would be, to all intents and purposes, Sawor's wife, she would take their lives in her hands. She would use her father's and husband's authority to reach the highest power levels, where she would be able to display her own talents. She knew she had been born for that and had thoroughly prepared herself for the task since her childhood. To give that up would be surely illogical.
***
"I am not asking you to give up your ambitions ..." Shelik's voice in her mind again. "A person with your talents and ambitions does not need a high placed husband to obtain all that you desire. I am just asking for a chance, according to tradition, without failing to fulfil your duty nor compromising your honour."
"My duty!" The woman thought bitterly. She already had failed to fulfil her duty! Shelik had all her rights; she never would really be Sawor's. Even though she married him, she never could allow herself to wholly open her mind to him. She would have to keep her secret for her whole life. She had no doubt that she would be able to, but what kind of a life would that be?
She knew she could trust Shelik. Whatever she might decide, he would respect her choice. But her mind would never be free.
***
Crimson blades of light began to filter through the tiny cleft which let air into the room. Far away, the sound of the ritual drums and bells announced the approaching wedding train; in a few minutes her mother and sisters would come to help her dress. Time was over ...
***
First gong had sounded. Sawor waited for her in the centre of the place where, since the dawn of Vulcan history, all her family's members had married. A few steps behind her, Shelik followed along with Sorval, his fellow student and fencing master. When they both had taken their places in the procession, she had exchanged glances with him. His carried the same, quiet prayer, a prayer so strong that she almost feared everybody must surely sense it.
Second gong beat. Slowly she advanced toward Sawor, who waited quivering. She could feel Shelik staring at him. That gentle man, who abhorred any violence, was ready to kill or die to have her. All she had to do was make but a simple gesture.
Sawor raised the hammer.
"Stop him, I beg you!" Shelik's cry sounded only inside her mind; it made her shiver. Her face very pale, but perfectly impassive, T'Pau did not move.
The gong's voice sounded one final time. Choice was made.